Henri Nouwen and His Ministry of Companioning with Wil Hernandez Part II
Nouwen as Spiritual Friend
Henri Nouwen longed and sought for deep, abiding friendship everywhere he went. His capacity to connect personally with thousands of friends from various parts of the world is legendary. Amazingly, of the fifteen hundred people he considered as part of his close circle of friends, Nouwen mentioned over six hundred of them by name in the original sabbatical diary he wrote just before he passed away.
For Nouwen, one of the most critical choices we can make in our spiritual life “is our choice of the people with whom we develop close intimate relationships.” Doubtless, he placed paramount importance on spiritual friendship. Much of his energy in life was expended making and sustaining friendships with all kinds of people everywhere. With Aelred of Rievaulx, the gifted Cistercian abbot who penned the classic Spiritual Friendship, Nouwen evidently agreed that “friendship from the divine perspective … springs from God.” As he himself qualified: “Although we speak of ‘making friends,’ friends cannot be made. Friends are free gifts from God.” Both the giver and the receiver mutually share in the gift of spiritual friendship. In the words of David Benner, “it is a gift God gives to us. It is a gift we can give to others.”
In evaluating his inner journey, Nouwen recognized very early his own deep need for “regular contact with a friend who keeps [him] close to Jesus and continues to call [him] to faithfulness.” What Nouwen had in mind is akin to what the Celtic Christians termed anamchara, or “soul friend”—considered an indispensable companion on the spiritual journey. As Charles Ringma affirms, this special type of friendship is meant “to help us support one another in common commitments and in the common journey of life.” Henri Nouwen took such commitments to heart. He always was as concerned—if not more concerned—with other people’s spiritual journey as he was with his own. His initiatives to move into the lives of others were driven by a genuine desire to be a significant part of their journey with God. As L’Arche founder Jean Vanier has keenly observed, “Henri’s cry for friendship and his faithfulness to friendship were particularly evident as he walked with people on their spiritual journeys.” So devoted was Nouwen to those whom he considered to be his friends that his very words echo the depth and breadth of commitment he professed:
“I have lived my whole life with the desire to help others in their journey, but I have always realized that I had little else to offer than my own, the journey I am making myself … I have always wanted to be a good shepherd for others, but I have always known, too, that good shepherds lay down their own lives—their pains and joys, their doubts and hopes, their fears and their love—for their friends.”
It is evident enough that Nouwen here was not referring to the act of laying down one’s life in a literal fashion. Rather, he meant offering the whole of himself. Nouwen did give of himself to his friends fully without holding anything back. In so doing, he paid a great price, including the experience of getting hurt in the process. He himself had to learn the hard way what he knew and proclaimed all along: “Friends cannot replace God . . . But in their limitations they can be signposts on our journey toward the unlimited and unconditional love of God.” From this perspective, spiritual friendship can rightly be viewed as a gift from above indeed. This was the same quality of gift Henri Nouwen richly extended to many, including his readers.
 Along with being an author and spiritual director, Wil works with the Leadership Institute in partnership with the Denver-based Spiritual Formation Alliance Network as coordinator of the Southern California Spiritual Formation Partners. He also teaches courses on the spirituality of Henri Nouwen at Fuller Theological Seminary, Haggard Graduate School of Theology at Azusa Pacific University, and the Center for Religion and Spirituality at Loyola Marymount University. You can find his two books, Henri Nouwen: A Spirituality of Imperfection and Henri Nouwen and Soul Care on Amazon. You can also visit the website he hosts called Nouwen Legacy. |
Wil, you given me new ways the think of friendship.
Thanks,
Dustin
I’m curious in what specific ways Dustin! But that’s good that it has provoked you to think in new ways. Actually if you ever get a hold of the actual book (Nouwen and Soul Care), I profiled in there 2 of the closest relationships Nouwen had -with Sue and Nathan – and you’ll catch the glimpse of Nouwen’s own take on friendship as evidenced by these two examples. They really embody what the Celts call “Anamchara” or soul friend!
More and more Flipinos are starting to realize the relevance of Fr. Henri Nouwen’s writings/teachings in our generation’s quest for meaningful relationships and spiritual friendships. Such connectiveness between one human soul to another is a precious gift from God, a manifestation of our beloved-ness to Him and to each other. Thanks for sharing this, Wil.
Wil,
Thank you for sharing these truth’s Henri found what the seeking for ‘deep abiding friendships’ meant to him.
I can identify. I like the term from the celtic christians ‘anamchara’ -soul friend and that Henri ‘did give of himself fully without holding anything back’ ,neither that ‘they can not replace God, but in their limitations they can be signposts on our journey toward the …love of God’. I kept dwelling on the word ’signposts’ for a while and ‘friendships are free gifts of God’.
Nouwen had to learn the hard way that friends couldn’t usurp God’s rightful place in our hearts—that they really serve as signpoints that in fact point us to God. Nouwen’s greatest asset (his love for people) proved to be his greatest liability too (his demandingness to be loved back even more). But he did learn to stick to his first love and not simply resort to “second loves”. Thanks Sonja for your reactions!
I like the word “signposts” too. Nouwen had to learn the hard way that friends couldn’t usurp God’s rightful place in our hearts—that they really serve as signpoints that in fact point us to God. Nouwen’s greatest asset (his love for people) proved to be his greatest liability too (his demandingness to be loved back even more). But he did learn to stick to his first love and not simply resort to “second loves”. Thanks Sonja for your reactions!
wil,
Yeah to ’stick to his first love an not simply resort to “second loves”,which remind me of the concept of having ‘idols’ in life. I’m so guilty of that…I agree with the acknowledge character Henri spoke of being able to see a “friendship from the divine perspective…springs from God”
Wow, a comment all the way from Davao, Philippines! Am glad to know that people out there are reading Nouwen too! Thanks Glendale!
HI Sonja,
I recall the words of Sue ((she has worked with Henri for 10 years at L’Arche) in reference to Nouwen’s experience that if you expect the second love to give what only the first one can, you are bound to be disappointed and crash (just like what happened to Nouwen when he became overly dependent in his friendship with Nathan).
Wil,
I understand what you are saying. I haven’t read that part of Henri.What book will explain more about the toppic ‘ overly dependancy and being to overly independant’ , and how Henri found a balance.It always takes two.
I wonder though how Nathan himselve kept that circle going..if i may say so.
The teaching about ‘the beloved’ i listened at a year ago i found integer and beautyfull. Its great to know how rich you really become with these kind of friendships in your life i’m very thankful for.
Morning Sonja,
You can read about that “episode” from my book (Henri Nouwen and Soul Care) as well as parts of it from Nouwen’s “Inner Voice of Love” (which is great book which came out of that “dark night” experience for Nouwen.
Thanks wil and good evening to you(the Netherlands)..I do know the book ‘inner voice of love’ of Henri which definately helped to gain more insight. I will have to get a hold of your book now.
Wil, I typically think of my close friendships as the people who bring me the most joy and laughter (I have just confessed my selfishness here). It seems like Nouwen’s paradigm of friendship was a willingness and openness to take on pain and hurt for the sake of a friend. Nouwen it sounds like was willing to receive pain even if it was directly from a friend. That’s not a paradigm that I have currently opened all the way up to, but seems a necessity and very Christ-like.
Sonja, I had no idea you’re responding from the Netherlands where Nouwen was from! Hope you can get a hold of the copy of my book sequel as it expounds (and expands) a great deal more about this topic of soul companioning as Nouwen modeled it! All the best to you!
You got that right Dustin. But don’t think for a moment that Nouwen got it right all the time. He himself testified to the struggle of learning (time and again in fact!) how true friendship works – especially the kind that God gifts us with! So hang in there and just stay open to entering into deeper and deeper levels of companionship!
Wil,
Thanks all the best to you too. The toppic soul companionship just raised some other questions i like to do a little more research about.Yes i hope your book will be available into dutch.smile
To all of you who are following this conversation:
Sorry to lose some of your comments/feedback. My apologies for those trying to access this blog last night and couldn’t. I was informed by my host that because of server changes, it was down for a while and not functioning properly. Now it’s back again in its normal operation. So carry on ….
A friend from Manila just emailed me to call my attention to typo errors (actually weird symbols) that appeared on the blog text. Must be caused by the change in servers but we’ll see how we can fix them. Sorry about that. Hopefully that won’t distract you from reading on.
Wil,
I am writing to thank you for making it possible to experience the spirituality of Henri Nouwen by presenting retreats such as this weekend’s Sacred Accompaniment. It wasn’t until I came home that I could fully begin to fathom the depth of the journey our group took. I was feeling how Peter must have felt at the time of Jesus’ transfiguration~”how wonderful for us to be here”; I wanted to remain in the moment, and not have to leave!
I am interested in knowing more about the companion group in La Canada..would like to go to the orientation..
Thanks be to God for our Spiritual Companions!
Sally
Sally, you are such a hungry soul and I’m sure that God would honor your desire to go deeper in him and with his community. Thanks for being with us over the weekend. You are a blessing to all!
Thank you for sharing this insight.
Understanding spiritual friendship as “indispensable” will change the way I value it. It is not indulgence. It is a discipline. D. Whitney wrote that without solitude, we are shallow; without fellowship, we are stagnant.
What an added insight Ruth! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. And I would affirm your remark that indeed spiritual friendship is a discipline – one that we are committed to nurture over time. Like I mentioned in the book, to the Celtic Christians, this type of sacred companionship is not only a given; it is an absolute must on the journey.